read me

sometimes i did not know how to act about what I was did today.
I feel tired
I am about quit this job
I want to change my life
i wish have a good life
i wish i have a good sleep time
i wish i can stop from my bad behavior
I wish i dont smoke cigarets
i wish i dont shy
i wish that I dont exist
probably the life ....no it is absulotely that the life still go on even without

me and probably it'll be better change for some people around me also I apologize

to people that give them hard time everytime they see me. I am sorry for being

such a thing.
i've been told that if I takes own life my family and many people will really

miss me, I know that but why they miss me after i am gone and not the day when i

still here.
I just ... i just cant bear to live in this society.
Fuck my eyes really tired and it wont let me to open i feel so tired
and do you know what I've done when doing my work ?
I messed up everything and I always late while doing it
and I blame my self because it's my fault
I am good at ruinning my life

I wish that I meet someone like hmmmmm.... my imagination thing ?
i know that's never gonna happen
but is it wrong ?
so did I lose of sanity if you talk to your "imagination thing" ?
did I wrong ?
Is it my fault for having thought like that just because I dont have someone to

talk ?
whenever I was about going to bed
I cry and ask myself
"why i am alive ?, or "why I should life the live ?"
and at that time my wish is the same as when I was a high schooler
"I wish I could find happiness" or something like that
but I've been trying my best to do so and that's never happen
when I was 6 my dad leave me and my mom and go somewhere
bu it took so long until I dont realize him when he back
like I care
does he even contacted me while he gone ?
nope
but he bring another woman after long time gone.
After he told me about that woman I swear to myself that I will never take her as

my mother.
but after long time passed I heard that his woman is passed away.
and my life still go on nothing change and nothing happens.
untill now i still seeking for what I really want to do but...
I get bored easily
I used to like so much with a game but I feel that game wont fill me anything
I just feel hollow with everything what I do
even my mom allways ask me everytime that did I eaten well when im home.
Yep I have problem with sleep and eat behavior
some time I forget to eat in a day because I really tired for not sleeping after

2 days and I sleep at that time, glad I still had a good metabolism for now

but... never mind .
If you accidentally reading this i am sorry. and thankyou at least I can share my

random though to you all, also dont worry ... I still here living my daily life

as a faillure and seeking for a miracle :))